As the Dixie Chicks sing....

"It's so hard when it doesn't come easy...."

We thought the 3rd time would be a charm, but..... it wasn't. And each time we learn our fate, it gets harder and harder. This time, I thought "I'm going to accept it now, that I am not pregnant that way it won't be as hard when we confirm it." Not true. It doesn't change the hurt one incy-tincy little bit. We coast; we go on with our daily lives trying so hard not to count down the days until I can take a pregnancy test. Then, BAM - we crash and burn when we find out. It just simply doesn't get easier.

I question whether this is the way it's supposed to be. Should we only be a one child family? But that word "only" confirms that my family is not complete.

I laid in Jilian's bed with her last night after she had fallen asleep, and I just watched her sleep. She's so peaceful when she sleeps. And, I kind of feel sad for her. I want so desperately to give her a sibling and to expreience life with a sibling like I did. But, I can't give her that.

The hurt we feel is so devastating because we've gone 5 years without being reminded every day of Brad's diagnosis. And now that we are going on 7 months of this 2nd journey, it feels just like it did 5 years ago. I thought it would be easier since we didn't have to hear the diagnosis agian, but it isn't.

Dixie Chicks also sing the lyrics "Sometimes I don't have the energy to prove everybody wrong, and I try my best to be strong. But, you know, it's so hard." It takes a lot of energy from me to continue to have a strong face and then have these lows that are so low, it's difficult to recover from.

We know in the end when it finally happens for us, that all of this heartache will only make us stronger. But, until then, it will continue to hurt.