Well, after a 6 month hiatus, we are back on line!
No one is more excited to say goodbye to 2010 than me. It has been a really rough year, and 2011 can't come fast enough.
On a lighter note, we have decided to join our church, First Baptist Church of McKinney. We LOVE going there, and we love our Sunday school teacher. He has made a huge impression on us, and we're excited to absorb as much information he can give us. Jilian loves her Sunday school teacher, too. She has already learned so much, and we are so proud of her. We plan on being Baptised on January 23rd at FBC as our final step in our commitment to God.
Thank you to everyone that has supported us and kept us in your prayers as we barely made it through 2010. Your encouragement and support has meant a lot, and we couldn't have made it without you!
Thanks again!
Monday, December 20, 2010
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
As the Dixie Chicks sing....
"It's so hard when it doesn't come easy...."
We thought the 3rd time would be a charm, but..... it wasn't. And each time we learn our fate, it gets harder and harder. This time, I thought "I'm going to accept it now, that I am not pregnant that way it won't be as hard when we confirm it." Not true. It doesn't change the hurt one incy-tincy little bit. We coast; we go on with our daily lives trying so hard not to count down the days until I can take a pregnancy test. Then, BAM - we crash and burn when we find out. It just simply doesn't get easier.
I question whether this is the way it's supposed to be. Should we only be a one child family? But that word "only" confirms that my family is not complete.
I laid in Jilian's bed with her last night after she had fallen asleep, and I just watched her sleep. She's so peaceful when she sleeps. And, I kind of feel sad for her. I want so desperately to give her a sibling and to expreience life with a sibling like I did. But, I can't give her that.
The hurt we feel is so devastating because we've gone 5 years without being reminded every day of Brad's diagnosis. And now that we are going on 7 months of this 2nd journey, it feels just like it did 5 years ago. I thought it would be easier since we didn't have to hear the diagnosis agian, but it isn't.
Dixie Chicks also sing the lyrics "Sometimes I don't have the energy to prove everybody wrong, and I try my best to be strong. But, you know, it's so hard." It takes a lot of energy from me to continue to have a strong face and then have these lows that are so low, it's difficult to recover from.
We know in the end when it finally happens for us, that all of this heartache will only make us stronger. But, until then, it will continue to hurt.
We thought the 3rd time would be a charm, but..... it wasn't. And each time we learn our fate, it gets harder and harder. This time, I thought "I'm going to accept it now, that I am not pregnant that way it won't be as hard when we confirm it." Not true. It doesn't change the hurt one incy-tincy little bit. We coast; we go on with our daily lives trying so hard not to count down the days until I can take a pregnancy test. Then, BAM - we crash and burn when we find out. It just simply doesn't get easier.
I question whether this is the way it's supposed to be. Should we only be a one child family? But that word "only" confirms that my family is not complete.
I laid in Jilian's bed with her last night after she had fallen asleep, and I just watched her sleep. She's so peaceful when she sleeps. And, I kind of feel sad for her. I want so desperately to give her a sibling and to expreience life with a sibling like I did. But, I can't give her that.
The hurt we feel is so devastating because we've gone 5 years without being reminded every day of Brad's diagnosis. And now that we are going on 7 months of this 2nd journey, it feels just like it did 5 years ago. I thought it would be easier since we didn't have to hear the diagnosis agian, but it isn't.
Dixie Chicks also sing the lyrics "Sometimes I don't have the energy to prove everybody wrong, and I try my best to be strong. But, you know, it's so hard." It takes a lot of energy from me to continue to have a strong face and then have these lows that are so low, it's difficult to recover from.
We know in the end when it finally happens for us, that all of this heartache will only make us stronger. But, until then, it will continue to hurt.
Monday, June 14, 2010
Let me re-intoduce myself.....
Here's whats been happening in a nutshell the past 3 months....
*external hard drive STOPPED working....yup, lost all of our pictures. However, most were on Walgreens, so there's some hope.
*just finished uploading 951 pics from the camera onto the NEW external hard drive - hope it works good!
*Jilian's ZhuZhu pet got caught in her hair....TWICE.
*Jilian's ZhuZhu pet got caught in her hair....TWICE.
*went to Red Poppy Fest (or as Jilian woud say "Poppy seed Fest") in Georgetown
(yes, this is the best pic of all 3 kids!)
*the girls learned to hula hoop, sort of.
(What is Jilian doing?)*we saw a FULL rainbow!
*swim, swim and more swimming
*had a successful ballet/tap recital (remember the catastophe that was last year?)
*hanging with the neighbors
*bowling for Ella's 5th birthday
(this is her new pose)*hanging with the Wileys and watching an outdoor movie
*more swimming
Notice the new pose?
*a little bit of heartache (no picture of that)
*vacuuming AND steam cleaning
*realizing we still have Christmas gifts to distribute
*took poor Tom Tahoe to the shop, and as a result, we were up at 4:30 this morning to take Brad to the airport (we are tired).
Promise I'll be by more often.....we're hitting summer HARD!
Thursday, March 18, 2010
WHEEL....OF....FORTUNE....
da dada duda dadu dadu dundun da..... (in the WOF tune)
Well, I LOVE Wheel Of Fortune, so when I got the opportunity to go to the auditions, I took it. It was so fun! We waited in the longest line EVER for like an hour and a half.When we finally got in, we all packed into this auditorium at the Convention Center. There was a *fake* Pat Sajak and a *fake* Vanna White - who, BTW, was the worst *fake* Vanna White EVER.
They randomly picked 5 people at a time to do a *mini* version of the show. They said "the more enthusiasm, the better." We were cranking it. AND, maybe we'll be on TV.... (I recorded the news that night, and.....we were NOT on TV ) :(
The called about 6 groups of 5. So, actually, only 30 people (of about 800) were chosen to go up.
And don't you worry....they said that there will still be random drawings when they get all the applications back to the studio.....so there's still a chance of all my dreams coming true *fingers crossed*
Here's a picture of the board....and, oh, my head.....
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Okay....here goes....
Our journey to become a family of 4 sure hasn't been very easy. And, just when we thought that nothing could be harder than "trying" to have baby number one, "trying" for baby number two has consumed us like never before.
Our sweet, precious Jilian is baby number one. She has taught us a lot of things that we never thought we would have to learn, and this was even before she was born. That's where the story all starts.....
After unsuccessfully trying for our first child in mid 2004, my doctor prescribed me two fertility drugs. First, Glucophage. After 3 months of no response, he put me on Clomid, a very common form of fertility drugs. During this time, I was also doing the basil body tempuratures every morning to help predict my most fertile time. I mean, how could this be so hard for me - I've had a baby already once before? (back when I was a wee lassy, placed him up for adoption, but that's a whole other post!) After 3 months of no response to the Clomid, my doctor finally decided to test Brad. His first count showed absolutely no sperm. So, there was OBVIOUSLY an error somewhere. So, they tested him again. That's when our whole lives changed -for the first time. I remember very distinctively sitting in my doctors office for some reason and telling him, before Brad had actually been diagnosed, that his count came back zero - AGAIN. My doctor said that Brad needed to make an appointment right away with his urologist and find out. Looking back, my doctor knew that something wasn't right after hearing the test be zero again, but I didn't catch on.
Brad was finally diagnosed in March 2005 with "congenital bilateral absence of the vas deferens." This condition means that while Brad has sperm, he is unable to transport it appropriately. In male infertiltiy, CBAVD only accounts for 1-2%. It is virtually a vasectomy given at birth and cannot be corrected. I remember that day like it was yesterday. I don't think that Brad and I understood exactly what our fate was other than "this cannot be good." Without fully understanding how this would impact our conception of a child, we were just filled with questions. My doctor referred us to a fertility doctor. It took about a month to have a consultation with him. That month was living hell. We had so many questions, and we had zero answers.
When we finally saw the doctor, our options were presented to us. We could have Brad's sperm extracted through a procedure called MESA. Once that was completed, then we could do IVF. But, not just "regular" IVF, an advanced form called ICSI. Or, we could purchase donor sperm and have it injected via IUI - artificially inseminated. So, our journey began.....looking for a sperm donor. We looked for all the same characteristics of Brad, but also for any family medical history. We settled on one, and the process began. We buy enough of the speciman for 2 tries, and 2 tries is 2 vials. So, we bought 4 vials.
The doctor wanted to see a full cycle of mine with out any meds. This required bloodwork throughout my cycle and having a sonogram every other day to look at my folicles. I also did a test to check my fallopian tubes which required a hospital visit and dye....not sure what else happened there! :) And, like a good menstrual cycle, the timing was perfect, the folicles were perfect and just the right size. So, next cycle will be insemination. This is the great thing about this doctor, he doesn't mess around. We got started right away.
Next cycle, turned out great. They injected me with HCG which stimulated ovulation, and I was inseminated the next day. Funny thing is, Brad wasn't even there! I remember laying there for 15 minutes after it was done. They had a timer on, and with every tick, I felt like an hour was passing. Is there anything I can be doing to make sure this works? Timer went off, and I headed back to work. Done.
The next two weeks were the longest two weeks of our lives. I was required to take oral progesterone to thicken the lining of my "wall". In that two weeks, our niece was born. Maybe that was a sign. On May 31st, 2005, I took my 5th pregnancy test, and it was POSITIVE! Finally! Even on the first try! I called the doctor immediately, and they got me in for bloodwork to confirm it. I continued for 10 weeks to see the fertility doctor. Then, I was turned over to my OB/GYN's care. This was not an easy pregnancy. I was sick until my 20th week, but it was all worth it. Jilian Grace was born on February 13th, 2006. She was a gift that we never thought we would get. And, you know what? It didn't matter that she wasn't biologically Brad's child. He was more than that....he was her Dad. He IS her Dad, and nothing, not even DNA, can change that.
And so.....the journey for baby number 2 begins....
We have enough for one more try left. We made an appointment with the fertility doctor again, and went over our options AGAIN. We have researched the donor, and he has no more specimen left. Can we only use one vial on this next try, just in case? Yes, we can.
So, my next cycle started, and the fun began again. More bloodwork, more sonograms every other day. BUT, if everything looked good, we could try on THIS cycle. Bloodwork was good. Folicles looked good. So, we stimulated ovulation again and inseminated the next day. Funny thing, Brad wasn't there AGAIN! No worries - we're superstitious....keeping it the same as last time.
I started taking the same oral progesterone as before, and discontinued taking my sleep aid - which turned out to be a disaster. Then, of course, my kidney stone in my left kidney decided to act up. Urologist said "take 2 of these, and call me in the morning." There was nothing he could do in case I was pregnant. Of course, once again, the next 2 weeks seemed like an eternity. And, of course, since I didn't realize that I was suffering from withdrawals from abruptly quitting my sleep aid, I thought I was pregnant FOR SURE.
Two weeks later, I started my period.....bummer. But, since we didn't put all of our eggs in one basket (literally), we still had one vial left.
So, we met with the doctor AGAIN in February. He told us our options and how to increase our odds of getting pregnant since we only had one vial left of this donor. The next step up (which only increases our odds by around 5-10%) was super-ovulation. Basically, they tell my body to release more than one folicle, like 3 or 4, but no more than that. This DOES increase our chances of multiples by about 20%, but this is a chance we are willing and prepared to take. Then, after that is the special IVF. We decided on super-ovulation. WOW....what a treat.
First, this involved an "education class." The primary purpose of this class was to learn how to give myself injections (which, BTW, are not covered by insurance) pretty much every day for the next 2 months. I feel like I should be qualified as a nurse now. And, don't get me started on how in the world I'm going to give myself shots when I'm afraid of needles. I haven't quite wrapped my head around that yet. We were just trying to get through this meeting without completely losing "it" - whatever "it" is. I'm close to it though, I just know it. There are four different types of syringes and injections. And this calendar - it looks like it's written in code not meant for English speaking people. I have to keep up with when I take what, including the birth control pill and an anti-biotic. I failed this test. I already screwed up and didn't know what to do when I "started." It happened on a weekend so I couldn't call the doctor to find out.....that was very stressful....that was this past weekend. What they are doing is completely supressing my cycle this month so that they have better chances of completely manipulating it next cycle for the IUI. We got all the injections in today....that was scary.
Once again, it has completely overwhelmed us. We are remined even more of this "thing" that we cannot control. I feel scared, nervous, excited, overwhelmed, baffled and loved. We haven't given many details of this second journey to anyone. That is not how I cope with things. My life is an open book. I credit surviving one of the hardest things that I've ever had to do (placing my son up for adoption 10 years ago) to talking about it and relating to people in similar situations. This second chapter of our lives - which hasn't really even started yet - has been difficult for us to share. It is like hearing the news of Brad's diagnosis all over again. There is a responsibility of acceptance that I haven't grasped yet, and that is why I feel overwhelmed again.
I'm big on signs.....they are the intangible glimmers of hope that create an obvious sense of fulfillment when all else fails. We are waiting for our sign this time around.....
Our sweet, precious Jilian is baby number one. She has taught us a lot of things that we never thought we would have to learn, and this was even before she was born. That's where the story all starts.....
After unsuccessfully trying for our first child in mid 2004, my doctor prescribed me two fertility drugs. First, Glucophage. After 3 months of no response, he put me on Clomid, a very common form of fertility drugs. During this time, I was also doing the basil body tempuratures every morning to help predict my most fertile time. I mean, how could this be so hard for me - I've had a baby already once before? (back when I was a wee lassy, placed him up for adoption, but that's a whole other post!) After 3 months of no response to the Clomid, my doctor finally decided to test Brad. His first count showed absolutely no sperm. So, there was OBVIOUSLY an error somewhere. So, they tested him again. That's when our whole lives changed -for the first time. I remember very distinctively sitting in my doctors office for some reason and telling him, before Brad had actually been diagnosed, that his count came back zero - AGAIN. My doctor said that Brad needed to make an appointment right away with his urologist and find out. Looking back, my doctor knew that something wasn't right after hearing the test be zero again, but I didn't catch on.
Brad was finally diagnosed in March 2005 with "congenital bilateral absence of the vas deferens." This condition means that while Brad has sperm, he is unable to transport it appropriately. In male infertiltiy, CBAVD only accounts for 1-2%. It is virtually a vasectomy given at birth and cannot be corrected. I remember that day like it was yesterday. I don't think that Brad and I understood exactly what our fate was other than "this cannot be good." Without fully understanding how this would impact our conception of a child, we were just filled with questions. My doctor referred us to a fertility doctor. It took about a month to have a consultation with him. That month was living hell. We had so many questions, and we had zero answers.
When we finally saw the doctor, our options were presented to us. We could have Brad's sperm extracted through a procedure called MESA. Once that was completed, then we could do IVF. But, not just "regular" IVF, an advanced form called ICSI. Or, we could purchase donor sperm and have it injected via IUI - artificially inseminated. So, our journey began.....looking for a sperm donor. We looked for all the same characteristics of Brad, but also for any family medical history. We settled on one, and the process began. We buy enough of the speciman for 2 tries, and 2 tries is 2 vials. So, we bought 4 vials.
The doctor wanted to see a full cycle of mine with out any meds. This required bloodwork throughout my cycle and having a sonogram every other day to look at my folicles. I also did a test to check my fallopian tubes which required a hospital visit and dye....not sure what else happened there! :) And, like a good menstrual cycle, the timing was perfect, the folicles were perfect and just the right size. So, next cycle will be insemination. This is the great thing about this doctor, he doesn't mess around. We got started right away.
Next cycle, turned out great. They injected me with HCG which stimulated ovulation, and I was inseminated the next day. Funny thing is, Brad wasn't even there! I remember laying there for 15 minutes after it was done. They had a timer on, and with every tick, I felt like an hour was passing. Is there anything I can be doing to make sure this works? Timer went off, and I headed back to work. Done.
The next two weeks were the longest two weeks of our lives. I was required to take oral progesterone to thicken the lining of my "wall". In that two weeks, our niece was born. Maybe that was a sign. On May 31st, 2005, I took my 5th pregnancy test, and it was POSITIVE! Finally! Even on the first try! I called the doctor immediately, and they got me in for bloodwork to confirm it. I continued for 10 weeks to see the fertility doctor. Then, I was turned over to my OB/GYN's care. This was not an easy pregnancy. I was sick until my 20th week, but it was all worth it. Jilian Grace was born on February 13th, 2006. She was a gift that we never thought we would get. And, you know what? It didn't matter that she wasn't biologically Brad's child. He was more than that....he was her Dad. He IS her Dad, and nothing, not even DNA, can change that.
And so.....the journey for baby number 2 begins....
We have enough for one more try left. We made an appointment with the fertility doctor again, and went over our options AGAIN. We have researched the donor, and he has no more specimen left. Can we only use one vial on this next try, just in case? Yes, we can.
So, my next cycle started, and the fun began again. More bloodwork, more sonograms every other day. BUT, if everything looked good, we could try on THIS cycle. Bloodwork was good. Folicles looked good. So, we stimulated ovulation again and inseminated the next day. Funny thing, Brad wasn't there AGAIN! No worries - we're superstitious....keeping it the same as last time.
I started taking the same oral progesterone as before, and discontinued taking my sleep aid - which turned out to be a disaster. Then, of course, my kidney stone in my left kidney decided to act up. Urologist said "take 2 of these, and call me in the morning." There was nothing he could do in case I was pregnant. Of course, once again, the next 2 weeks seemed like an eternity. And, of course, since I didn't realize that I was suffering from withdrawals from abruptly quitting my sleep aid, I thought I was pregnant FOR SURE.
Two weeks later, I started my period.....bummer. But, since we didn't put all of our eggs in one basket (literally), we still had one vial left.
So, we met with the doctor AGAIN in February. He told us our options and how to increase our odds of getting pregnant since we only had one vial left of this donor. The next step up (which only increases our odds by around 5-10%) was super-ovulation. Basically, they tell my body to release more than one folicle, like 3 or 4, but no more than that. This DOES increase our chances of multiples by about 20%, but this is a chance we are willing and prepared to take. Then, after that is the special IVF. We decided on super-ovulation. WOW....what a treat.
First, this involved an "education class." The primary purpose of this class was to learn how to give myself injections (which, BTW, are not covered by insurance) pretty much every day for the next 2 months. I feel like I should be qualified as a nurse now. And, don't get me started on how in the world I'm going to give myself shots when I'm afraid of needles. I haven't quite wrapped my head around that yet. We were just trying to get through this meeting without completely losing "it" - whatever "it" is. I'm close to it though, I just know it. There are four different types of syringes and injections. And this calendar - it looks like it's written in code not meant for English speaking people. I have to keep up with when I take what, including the birth control pill and an anti-biotic. I failed this test. I already screwed up and didn't know what to do when I "started." It happened on a weekend so I couldn't call the doctor to find out.....that was very stressful....that was this past weekend. What they are doing is completely supressing my cycle this month so that they have better chances of completely manipulating it next cycle for the IUI. We got all the injections in today....that was scary.
Once again, it has completely overwhelmed us. We are remined even more of this "thing" that we cannot control. I feel scared, nervous, excited, overwhelmed, baffled and loved. We haven't given many details of this second journey to anyone. That is not how I cope with things. My life is an open book. I credit surviving one of the hardest things that I've ever had to do (placing my son up for adoption 10 years ago) to talking about it and relating to people in similar situations. This second chapter of our lives - which hasn't really even started yet - has been difficult for us to share. It is like hearing the news of Brad's diagnosis all over again. There is a responsibility of acceptance that I haven't grasped yet, and that is why I feel overwhelmed again.
I'm big on signs.....they are the intangible glimmers of hope that create an obvious sense of fulfillment when all else fails. We are waiting for our sign this time around.....
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Lots of Stuff!
So, where should I begin? Oh yea, we'll start with EIGHT INCHES OF SNOW!! It started Wednesday night into Thursday morning. This is what we woke up to......
This is what it looked like at my work....
School closed early, and by the time we got home, we had 6 1/2 inches of snow!
Jilian and I took full advantage of it and made a snow man.
The next morning, we woke to 7 1/2 inches. It really snowed ALL DAY LONG!
Front of the house....
The back yard....
And, we made snow ice cream....
We've never seen snow like this! And, yes, northern states, it's okay to make fun of us...we're wusses and we know it.....school closes with just the CHANCE of snow....bring it on!
Well, the snow did NOT keep us from going and getting MY NEW CAMERA. Yup, I got a digital SLR. It's a Nikon D3000. I saved up my bow making money (and Best Buy practically pays you to shop there with a million months of no financing, etc.) and got me my dream camera. It's a starter camera....pretty soon I'll be sporting all the lenses, two cameras and filters to boot! I can't take a picture of it because, well, I can't use it to take a picture of itself, but you get the picture! :)
Then, we had a birthday party to throw. Yup, my "baby" is FOUR (going on 15), and time has flown by. Actually, I just say that because you're supposed to, but actually I feel like it's been years - is that bad?! :)
And, of course, THE cake. The one I practiced 3 times to make? Yea, that one.... (btw, check out the use of the new camera)
We had her party at a place called Smashing Times. It's a place where the kids make mosaic art (and the parents don't have to do any clean up.) It was a hit!
Some pics of the girls playing with the new presents and Grandpa
She desperately wanted make up for her birthday, and guess what? She got some.....now which parent am I going to have to give "paybacks" too? ;)
I have to say that this was one great Valentine's Day! I finally got my Christmas present from 2 years ago. Got my new Cowboy boots. And, I wore them that night to a concert - Roger Creager of course. Great pics of that night to follow! I didn't take them and haven't approved them yet to be distributed. Once I proof, then I will post.....no monkey business Wileys.
And one more thing.....we FINALLY got our new air conditioner/heater installed. 
If you are around me anytime during the summer, then you know how much I HATE how hot it gets in our house. Stupid thing won't get below 81 degrees in the house when it's 105 outside. And, remember when the a/c went out, and Jilian and I had to spend the night at a hotel? This problem better be solved. And, did you know that the heater even went out one night during the winter? We all slept that night in, like, four layers of clothes and under, like, 3 blankets. We didn't sleep with the space heater that we borrowed because we were too afraid of causing a fire (and you know how handy Brad and I are around the house - we'd for sure cause a fire or something!). That was one cold night!
Then, we had a birthday party to throw. Yup, my "baby" is FOUR (going on 15), and time has flown by. Actually, I just say that because you're supposed to, but actually I feel like it's been years - is that bad?! :)And, of course, THE cake. The one I practiced 3 times to make? Yea, that one.... (btw, check out the use of the new camera)We had her party at a place called Smashing Times. It's a place where the kids make mosaic art (and the parents don't have to do any clean up.) It was a hit!Some pics of the girls playing with the new presents and GrandpaShe desperately wanted make up for her birthday, and guess what? She got some.....now which parent am I going to have to give "paybacks" too? ;)I have to say that this was one great Valentine's Day! I finally got my Christmas present from 2 years ago. Got my new Cowboy boots. And, I wore them that night to a concert - Roger Creager of course. Great pics of that night to follow! I didn't take them and haven't approved them yet to be distributed. Once I proof, then I will post.....no monkey business Wileys.And one more thing.....we FINALLY got our new air conditioner/heater installed. If you are around me anytime during the summer, then you know how much I HATE how hot it gets in our house. Stupid thing won't get below 81 degrees in the house when it's 105 outside. And, remember when the a/c went out, and Jilian and I had to spend the night at a hotel? This problem better be solved. And, did you know that the heater even went out one night during the winter? We all slept that night in, like, four layers of clothes and under, like, 3 blankets. We didn't sleep with the space heater that we borrowed because we were too afraid of causing a fire (and you know how handy Brad and I are around the house - we'd for sure cause a fire or something!). That was one cold night!Well, we have one problem....
The techs broke our ladder up to our attic. We didn't even discover it until the following weekend when we were trying to go up. And, they disconnected the ceiling fan in our bathroom somehow. And, once again, you know how Brad and I are not fixer-uppers. If we tried to fix it, we'd probably blow up the house. Oh well, you take the good with the bad....
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